7 Largely Useless Ideas to Get You Through the Rest of Lockdown
Three weeks into LD1 — also known as The Greatest Lockdown — I penned an enthusiastic blog entitled 5 Self-Care Tips for Lockdown You Haven’t Heard Yet (No Sourdough Starters). Wow. What a naive idiot baby I was back then. In my defence, it was sunny, and I was hopped up on banana bread and my nightly bottle of Prosecco.
But now, in LD3 — The Stupid B*****d Lockdown, as it has been widely baptised — we’re just over it, aren’t we? Over the jokes about Zoom. Over the jokes about people who make jokes about Zoom. Over the impotent virtual socialising. Over “what are you up to this weekend?” Over pretending we actually enjoy walks in the countryside. I know, it’s all been said before. Original thought does not exist in the pandemic*.
So I return to you, embattled and embittered. A wizened crone with a spectacularly dodgy fringe. I return to you to right the naivety of my original blog.
Of course, before long, we’ll be reunited in private gardens, and then beer gardens, and then inside pubs! And then inside pubs abroad! But that still feels a long way off at the moment, so here are my 7 Largely Useless Ideas to Get You Through the Rest of Lockdown.
1. Create elaborate backstories for all those 10-man households you see on walks
Tell you what, before lockdown I had no idea how many large households of middle aged men existed in this country. Did you? I imagine it’s come as a shock to us all. Yet, there they are, blocking the path on your idyllic country walk with their loud, terrible craic and seven bulldogs.
What sort of a property could house that many canines and mid-life crises? A mansion? They must have all split the cost after meeting on a Reddit forum for recently-divorced cargo shorts enthusiasts. It’s the only reasonable explanation. That large group of cyclists that just whooshed past you? Sure, it’s unusual to have 14 siblings in this day and age — especially ones who share your passion for lycra — but they probably all stayed at home to take care of their family-run button factory. RIGHT? That 18-strong multigenerational group? Must be one of those mad TikTok houses you’ve heard so much about.
Because there’s no way anyone would be breaking the rules. Not when you’ve not seen your own Mum for months, and were recently forced to cut your own fringe with nail scissors. And, as Benedict Cumberbatch oft muses, once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
2. Take a daily promenade to See And Be Seen
In Spain it’s the paseo and in Italy it’s the passeggiata. Admittedly, we’re not really European any more (well, not until all those Irish passports come through for us lads…), but do we have to throw the baby out with the bathwater? In this case, by ‘the baby’, I very much mean the grand European tradition of promenade. Obviously.
When the sun grazes the horizon in many European countries, it is THE time to See and Be Seen. Dressed in their Sunday finest, older people link arms with their beloved and proudly stroll the streets, often against a coastal backdrop, or alongside ancient marble monuments. They see their pals sat outside bars, and stop for a quick drink, a bit of socialising, and perhaps even a heated game of chess or backgammon.
Okay but how can such a dreamy scene be reimagined in an industrial mill town in the North of England in the midst of a F**KING PANDEMIC Caroline, I hear you scream, as you claw at your face, cursing my existence. I’m glad you asked.
- Ignore the bit about the sun. That goes without saying.
- Dress in your lockdown best (shoes, mask, Big Coat, measuring stick)
- Link arms with someone you are legally permitted to be within two metres of
- Stroll the streets of your industrial Northern Mill town, avoiding coming within two metres of any other humans, but REMEMBER cats are fine
- See and Be Seen
- Visit with the cat friends you see along the way. Periodically meow at them until they stalk away looking irritated
- Repeat once per day, while incessantly repeating the phrase “Oh, I am glad we got out today though”. Even if you’re promenading alone.
3. Throw your phone down the deepest well in your immediate local area
There are simply not enough wells around these days are there? The bin will do.
4. Gamify masking up
After reading the other week that two masks are better than one, I’ve been stealthily adding more masks to my face for my Big Morrisons trips. When I hit five masks, breathing became more difficult, and I started to get weird looks from the crowd of people hugging each other by the natural yoghurt. But it was worth it, because I could meet their mystified gazes with the knowledge that — thanks to my five-mask policy and absolutely nothing else — I am a much, much better human than them. For a dose of smug self satisfaction, and what I assume is a 0.00002% lower chance of contracting or passing on Covid, give it a whirl. Yes, I know mate, this IS what it’s come to.
5. Stop reading about The Simulation Hypothesis at three in the morning when you can’t sleep
Just me? I think not. Our reality is on shaky enough ground as it is. Just develop an online shopping addiction like everyone else, you weirdo. Is what I tell myself.
6. Spend your Annual Leave on ridiculous, overblown events
Admit it, your annual leave is burning a hole in your pocket. Sure, you could save it up for that month-long trip to Dubai to build your influencer career. And then in the next pandemic you can jet to the UAE to flog detox tea and discount codes in the sun. But imagine the backlash when Good Morning Britain finds out about it. Save yourself the hassle and immediately take two days off to host an elaborate Tarts and Vicars-themed soiree for your cat’s birthday. It’s the more elegant choice.
7. Married at First Sight Australia S6
Ines. Bronson. Jess. Cam. These are now your new best friends. Probably the only advice on this list that will actually be of any use. You’re welcome.
*Source: Twitter
